Monday, February 11, 2008

I Had No Idea How Many Tears I'd Shed

In an earlier post, I mentioned how I found mementos from my marriage. This included a funny note from Peter, my now ex-husband, from when we first dated. I can't remember song lyrics so I make them up as I go along. When we first went out the song "Calendar Girl" was playing on the radio. I sang along and improvised the lyrics.

"February, you're my little apple pie."

Of course, those aren't the lyrics but it became a joke between us. I found a note this weekend which read, "it's February and it's apple pie month." It's tucked in a plastic container he once gave me - which housed a Dutch apple pie.

Yes, I still have this silly stuff. Even though we're divorced, it's too precious to throw away.

I also looked at several photos of him and us together. There were good times.

I didn't sleep well last night, not sure what it was. My mind kept racing.

Overwhelmed with work today, my caller ID indicated my friend barb was calling, but it wasn't with good news.

I felt sick to my stomach and broke down in tears when I heard, "Peter's dead."

It's been an emotional roller coaster of a day. Long story short, he's on life support and it doesn't look good.

I'm the ex-wife and sometimes, not a good one. I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty about a lot of things. Peter's too young to die. People in their 40s are suppose to wake up each day and enjoy life. They're not suppose to die.

I'm not sure what I'm suppose to be feeling now. I'm not sure where I fit into this whole scenario. I feel helpless. I have a headache. I have an ugly zit on my nose and from all the crying, the foundation covering it washed away. I'm grieving. I feel a part of me has died.

But is their hope? Is he going to find strength and regain consciousness?

I'm grateful for my family and friends who've been there for me. Thank you.