I Had No Idea How Many Tears I'd Shed

In an earlier post, I mentioned how I found mementos from my marriage. This included a funny note from Peter, my now ex-husband, from when we first dated. I can't remember song lyrics so I make them up as I go along. When we first went out the song "Calendar Girl" was playing on the radio. I sang along and improvised the lyrics.

"February, you're my little apple pie."

Of course, those aren't the lyrics but it became a joke between us. I found a note this weekend which read, "it's February and it's apple pie month." It's tucked in a plastic container he once gave me - which housed a Dutch apple pie.

Yes, I still have this silly stuff. Even though we're divorced, it's too precious to throw away.

I also looked at several photos of him and us together. There were good times.

I didn't sleep well last night, not sure what it was. My mind kept racing.

Overwhelmed with work today, my caller ID indicated my friend barb was calling, but it wasn't with good news.

I felt sick to my stomach and broke down in tears when I heard, "Peter's dead."

It's been an emotional roller coaster of a day. Long story short, he's on life support and it doesn't look good.

I'm the ex-wife and sometimes, not a good one. I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty about a lot of things. Peter's too young to die. People in their 40s are suppose to wake up each day and enjoy life. They're not suppose to die.

I'm not sure what I'm suppose to be feeling now. I'm not sure where I fit into this whole scenario. I feel helpless. I have a headache. I have an ugly zit on my nose and from all the crying, the foundation covering it washed away. I'm grieving. I feel a part of me has died.

But is their hope? Is he going to find strength and regain consciousness?

I'm grateful for my family and friends who've been there for me. Thank you.


Anonymous said…
There is nothing any of us can say to make things "better". We all have some regrets. All of us who knew Peter will cherish what good memories we had of the fun times we did have with him- and there were many of those. Remember the good - and funny ones.
Anonymous said…
Oh, Jenn, I am terribly sorry for your loss. Very, very sorry. How ironic that you were just sorting through things previous to hearing the bad news. Life is certainly peculiar that way.

Do not be hard on yourself for what kind of ex-wife you have been...today is a new day to be the person you need to be. A friend of mine told me a theory from a book she had read (sorry, don't know the book) Paraphrasing here, "You can only do the best that you can, for where you are in that moment" Never be hard on yourself later on.

I am thinking of you.
Anonymous said…
"Long story short" is a phrase that needs expansion. Holy Lobster! I'm so sorry. A physical separation doesn't separate us from ourself or our memories.
Anonymous said…
I'm so sorry, Jennifer. It doesn't matter if someone is an "ex" - you still shared an important part of your life with him, and it is perfectly normal to feel overwhelmingly sad about something like this. And there are no rules to being an ex. Being an ex means you really have no responsibility any more - especially with no kids. Do what feels right to you during this time. One of the realest things about us are our gut emotions and instincts. I hope things feel better soon.
jhuber7672 said…
Thanks to everyone for reaching out. It's been a strange, emotionally draining three weeks. I'm accepting my new normal life, one component includes being a cat mother.

Barefoot - no autopsy was conducted but what the park service said, the symptoms indicated a ruptured intestine, or something like that.

The experience has also had it's bizarre twists and in some way, Peter was living a secret life. You'll have to wait for my book to hear the details.