Love and Tears

Since rolling off the plane following the Presidential Inauguration I've been spending every available minute at Sarasota Memorial Hospital to be with Grandma. Today was especially hard, understanding what a living will is, when it's implemented, and if there's turning back. Also learning about hospice (from the folks at Tidewell Hospice, Sarasota, Fla.) and learning to let go.

I held her hand doing my best to hold back tears. There were laughs, she hasn't lost her sense of humor and that's the frustrating part. She still has her mind but her body has failed. I saw love when I looked into her eyes but I also fear, which is a side of her I've never seen. It seemed as though she was disappointed in herself for not getting well from her disease. I wonder what's going through her mind and wonder if she's truly ready to let go. She said her goodbyes, telling me to look for a tablet of paper at her home with a note for the family. She asked for her last rites and we prayed with her.

I wonder which is the better way to die. Quick, without warning, like Peter did or slowly so there's time to say goodbye and put life in order. Is it better for the living to be prepared when a loved one moves on?


Lillian said…
Oh this is so hard! I wish comfort and peace for you and your grandma. I do think this way is better than the unexpected death. No matter what there is sadness, but I think it's a good death when we can say goodbye.
Anonymous said…
I can't know, but there must be peace in the knowledge that you have had a full,long life.
When the end of your life is near perhaps you leave accepting life on its terms but naturally regretting that you must move on.
I am sure your Grandma is grateful for your presence.