A Trojan in the Kitchen

Living single has its upsides and downsides. The upside is when goofy things happen in the privacy of my own home, I don't have to share them and reveal what a geek I am. The downside is when goofy things happen, I don't have anyone to immediately share them and show what a geek I am.

Hemming and hawing over this incident, I've decided to share...

Yesterday was my marmalade maelstrom - see the proceeding post. In between grapefruit and orange, I somehow chipped one of my nails (not in the fruit) and went hunting for my nail clippers. The first place I looked was my travel toiletry bag.

I stuck my hand in, reached around and felt a funny sensation on the ring finger of my right hand. It wasn't quite pain but almost a tickle.

I looked in the bag and saw a Pink Bic Lady Disposable Razor.

"Oh, no," I thought, then looked at my finger.

I sliced a thin layer of skin, the area about the size of a dime. The skin held on for dear life. Blood started to seep out yet, I couldn't feel any pain until I rinsed it under the sink.

"OUCH!" I was in pain. [Note: Well, "ouch" isn't the exact word, just trying to keep things clean] Blood kept oozing out and splattered into the sink (I didn't realize how much blood's in a fingertip). Worst of all, I had marmalade to make and getting injured was not in the plan!

I took my bandaged finger into the kitchen and proceeded to wash the dishes for the next round of marmalade. Not good. I was in pain.

Acidic citrus and dish soap made the pain unbearable. I needed a way to get the dishes clean and move to the next project!

I know what you're thinking. Use rubber gloves. That would be nice if I had rubber gloves. But that wasn't my first thought...

My first thought was a flashback to when I worked in Yellowstone. I thought, "latex." We used finger rubbers to roll on our digits to protect our wounds from the food (and vice versa) we worked with.

Perhaps you can see where this is going. I first tried to remember if I had any balloons around and decided if I did, would have no idea where to find them.

My last resort was, well, a condom. I mean, it's obvious I won't be needing it for its intended purpose anytime soon and I'm sure it was well beyond its expiration date. I grabbed a Trojan and popped it on my finger (well, in order for it to stay on, I put three fingers in there) and washed away. I'm sure this isn't what their new tag line of "Use a condom every time," was intended for.

"This is working out pretty good," I thought as the wound stayed dry and there wasn't any pain. I thought I was clever.

But things soon changed.

Pain shot through my arm as I scrubbed the marmalade pot. It was the kind of pain that pushes you on the brink of passing out.

I looked at my finger rubber to see...

...the Trojan had broke!

I had the same reaction as anyone else who has had one break, "Oh, $#!7."

Bucking up the pain and wondering if I was exposing my finger to any kind of infection due to the breakage, I finished the dishes. Next was cutting the citrus - oranges and lemons - without any type of protection. Can you feel my pain?

So, I have to ask. Have you used a Trojan for anything other than its intended purpose?


Matthew said…
Hilariously geeky. I think you should complain to the company about the condom breaking (maybe they'll send you rubber gloves as compensation). Now, be more careful in that kitchen.
Anonymous said…
A trojan for anything other than its intended use?
Well we once took several inflated versions and made a sort of skirt from them tied around one of our Birthday friends waist. His cute skirt turned out to be the only covering he had as we loaded him screaming in to the nurses residence elevator. Seems the good time we promised him at the nurses residence was a more of a good time for us and not so much for him.
Anonymous said…
A fellow comedian does a bit about using them as water balloons. He calls them "condoons."
jhuber7672 said…
I find it interesting only guys have been commenting and the ladies have been emailing me. Hmm...
Mathew - I think I WILL drop Trojan a line and see if anything comes out of it. I even have a photo (which I was too chicken to post here).

Keith - LOL!!! A skirt is pretty funny, especially since it was ALL he was wearing. Reminds me of a Scottish kilt (do they wear anything underneath?)

Stu - Nice. Does the comedian actually bring them in?
Anonymous said…
I have so many comments I could make here, but I know your mom reads this blog.
Anonymous said…
And YOUR mother reads it as well.....
jhuber7672 said…
Barefoot's mother reads MY blog? I'm confused!