Monday, May 25, 2009

Is it Okay To...

Is it okay to be angry at people who have died? I miss my Grandmother immensely and there are so many things I would have liked to share with her over the past few months and times I reached for the phone to call her but then had to remember she's. She was my primary family here in Southwest Florida and with her gone there's still a big hole in my life.

But I'm not referring to her. She was 86-years-old and she lived a good, long life and although there are more things I would like to ask her, I'm wondering if it's okay to be angry at Peter, my ex-husband, who passed away last February (read: "I Had No Idea How Many Tears I'd Shed" and "Time to Begin Again" if you need a refresher on my life).

Other than a Friday night which emotionally sucked, I had a decent weekend. Strike that, it was more than decent, it totally rocked with roller derby Saturday and a bike ride followed by beach time and visit to the movie theater to see "Star Trek" today. (Another) The emotional hiccup came midway through this morning's bike ride (on the Cape Haze Pioneer Trail) when the trail freakishly reminded me of Flamingo and the Everglades.

Tarpon were rolling above the water, I could see small fish jetting in between slender mangrove roots, water had the brownish-tanic color (like tea-stained from the mangroves), shore birds called out and there was that distinct saltwater-mangrove-earthy scent. All combined and opened floodgates of Flamingo memories.

And then I became angry. Not at a situation and not angry at myself but mad at Peter for dying. After he died and when I pieced together what his true feelings were for me I was angry at the situation. But now I'm mad at him.

I realize he probably didn't have a say in the matter, for some reason it was his time to go. But I'm angry because like with my grandmother, there have been times when I've grabbed the phone to tell him something he'd appreciate but then have to remember he's not around. At least once a day I think about what he's been missing. Today was no exception. It's been more than a year and I'm still struggling to accept that he's gone.

Perhaps this new found anger is part of the grieving process I didn't allow myself to have. I don't want to diminish his life but need to move forward with mine.

1 comment:

Keith Gill said...

Jenn, sure it's OK, to, but sometimes you just have to roll on and enjoy the now and put some of the past where it belongs.
Be well