Thursday, September 22, 2005

First Year Anniversary Following "I Do"

One of the funniest things I recall from my divorce hearing was getting up and swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Why is this funny? Because the response is, "I do."

How ironic, I thought. A marriage begins with "I do" and ends with "I do." In an odd way, it reaches full circle.

With the anniversary of my divorce coming up, I've been thinking about the past year and all I've gone through. I moved out of my apartment, went to Japan for a month, moved in with a friend, condo purchase fell through, numbed my heart, moved in with my uncle and his family, moved to northern Fla. and began a new job and new life. I don't think I would have been able to get through all of the change and emotion I've experienced without the "anti-anxiety seeds." And I don't care what Tom Cruise says, these things are better than any exercise.

This past March, I reached an emotional low point in my life and questioned my self-worth and purpose. For three months I cried for no reason. I cried on the plane. I cried while walking down city streets. I cried sitting at my desk. The ultimate low point was spending 24-hours crying then telling my roommate (while crying) that I was going to check myself into a mental institution for a few days. She didn't let on that this freaked her out, but she called Zelda Mae, who convinced me not to do it because although I could probably check myself in, I probably couldn't check myself out.

I suffered from depression (and I think I always have and still am, but not to that degree) but after hitting that low point, I chose to live vs. the other and began an upswing to bring me out of the hole.

Parts of my life still have small shadows of darkness but for the most part, I now see the vibrancy of life. I still have wounds to heal, walls to mend and a heart to fill but I'll get there, eventually.

No comments: